How much do you count on people "liking" or "following" you or the videos you put on Instagram, FB or TikTok?  And are you really happy or does your life appear to others as happy? Is your self-esteem found in the present or does it lie in the amount of positive attention something gets on social media? This of course is part of creating the persona of perfectionism that I stress in my work on perfectly hidden depression. But today, we focus on the three components of true happiness and how to add happiness to almost any experience you have: Positive psychologists say that all you have to do is add pleasure, challenge or meaning - and happiness will arrive. The listener email today is from someone who suffered childhood neglect and knows it’s affecting her relationships in her adult life. I’ll hope to help out where I can. Hope you enjoy this episode on true happiness - sponsored by BetterHelp. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Victoria Garrick's  TedX Talk “The Hidden Opponent” Anuschka Rees' Article on three components of true happiness Episode 124 of SelfWork: Learning From The Voices of Childhood Neglect Psychology Today article by Dr. Grant Brenner: You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                      

SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-Help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

216 SelfWork: Is Your Life Picture Perfect or Truly Happy?

Today's "You Get the Gist" explains the four different types of narcissism. All of them share the major features of a constant need for admiration, an unrealistic sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and great difficulty forming meaningful relationships. What are they and how are both similar and dissimilar to one another? You'll find out more.. but they are the grandiose narcissist, the covert narcissist, the communal narcissist (I'd never heard of that one..) and the malignant narcissist. I use the excellent work of Darlene Lancer, an attorney and a mental health clinician  (link below). However, I do offer one caveat - be careful about diagnostic labels. They were historically meant to aid in better communication but often go way beyond that. Links: Darlene Lancer Psych Central article Article on covert narcissism You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        

SelfWork YGTG: How Many Types of Narcissism Are There?

  As many of you know, I was a professional singer before I began my journey to become a therapist and a psychologist. The only thing I knew about therapy was that I’d had lots of it and had never laid down on a couch. And that it had been extremely helpful many times. My decision was made in 1984 and I became licensed in 1993. Nine years is a long time. So, I couldn't wait to use all I'd learned in school. But the learning actually started when I began seeing patients on my own. And I also realized that many of the things I'd experienced from being in therapy myself - made me a better therapist. So today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll talk about ten things that a good therapist knows to do. In fact, here they are: The importance of timing. Sometimes it's better to wait. What true empathy is. Staying curious rather than assuming I know. When to listen to my gut. The vital importance of self-care. When personal sharing is helpful. The importance of being myself and not adopting some kind of therapeutic persona. To think outside of the box. How to hold a safe space. How and when to use gentle confrontation. The listener email is from a woman whose mother sends her what the listener calls “unfiltered” critical comments about her parenting – she’s caught between wanting to love her mom, but not being willing to receive the non-asked for feedback. It’s a tough place to be.. You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        

226 SelfWork: 10 Things I Learned About Being A Good Therapy... From Being In Therapy

Jenny Lawson is a blogger, known as The Bloggess, has literally thousands who follow her. She's also a mom, a wife, and luckily for us, an author. Broken (in the best possible way) is her newest book. In all her books, she’s more than open about her struggles with chronic mental illness, including severe social anxiety and chronic debilitating (at times) depression. So debilitating that for months she’s often dysfunctional. Yet as she writes, Jenny makes you laugh until you don’t think you can laugh anymore as she describes her persistent battles with insurance, with her autoimmune disorders – with destructive side effects of medicine… wacky things that go on between herself and her husband - and these embarrassing side stories of what her life is actually like. Her memory’s shot. She loses crap all the time. She has a fascination with weird animal creatures. And the graphic on the front of the book says it all, as every day she hauls around her illness like a huge horned animal, always present and never on the back burner. But she’s also very quick to say that she’s grown from having them. And she wants you to know, in a very genuine and warm-hearted way, that you are far from alone if you do the same. This very special episode with Jenny also brings a very new sponsor to SelfWork, Athletic Greens. They have a special offer for the listeners of SelfWork. I'm so excited for you to try it, as it's made a huge difference in my life as well as my husband's. Just click here! Important Links: You can find all her books on her website! Broken publishes on April 5, 2021 but you can pre-order it today! If you want to join her book club, Fantastic Strangelings, you can go to her bookstore, Nowhere Bookshop! You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    

225 SelfWork: Broken (in the best possible way): A Conversation with Jenny Lawson

Welcome to SelfWork's You Get the Gist, five minutes of some ideas you can ponder for the rest of the day. Today YGTG is about saying goodbye. When I knew back in 1992 that my husband and I were going to leave Dallas and move to Arkansas, I distinctly remember a conversation I had with my therapist. I was wondering how I would say goodbye to all these friends and family that were so important to me. It seemed overwhelming. He gave me such an important way of understanding something about goodbyes that's I'd never considered - that many of us don't handle endings very well. We don't know how to grieve. It helped me not personalize what happened next. We'll talk about all kinds of grief - and what you can learn about how you say... goodbye. You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    

SelfWork YGTG: How Do You Say Goodbye?

In today's episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, we’'ll be talking about enmeshment. It sometimes can be confused with codependency, terms which some use interchangeably. We'll focus on not only enmeshed families or couples, but also parent/child enmeshment. And I'll offer seven steps to slowly and carefully begin to gain more of your independence and sense of self. Families are extremely different in how well they build safety, love and caring within the family, while also supporting each member through their own development of  unique beliefs and skills. What are these seven steps? First you have to realize that rarely will you get permission to gain some distance. And you also have to recognize that enmeshment created within an abusive relationship has to be handled extremely - as even setting appropriate boundaries can be punished with violence. The seven steps are: Realize the overt and covert rules that you are following. Write them down. . Realize the beliefs associated with those rules. Again, write them down. Acknowledge what you fear will be others' reactions. Understand and face your own fears of independence or self-doubt. Start small. Start creating those boundaries. Ask yourself, "What do I believe I'm getting by reaching out that I can't give myself? Then figure out a way to provide or discover those for yourself in the world apart from the enmeshed relationship. Our listener email is from someone who was struck by one of the assignments or the what to do about it in a past episode.. she’d tried it and it had worked! I"m always delighted to hear that… Important Links: Article by Sharon Martin in Psych Central on codependency and enmeshment Psychology Today article.. describing the five family structure within the Beavers Family Systems Theory A good article on developing a safety plan before you begin separating from an enmeshed domestic violence relationship. You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!      

224 SelfWork: 7 Steps Out Of Enmeshment and Into A More Solid Sense of Self

Today's YGTG, or "You Get the Gist," deals not with who's right and who's wrong in the ongoing drama between Meghan Markle, Prince Harry and Great Britain's royals. Nor about the very serious allegations of racism. As a psychologist, what I'm concerned about is how this focus on talking about suicidal thinking is affecting those whose loved ones have already died by suicide, and how this could affect the way those words are recognized in the future by anyone who actually hears them. For every suicide “success” as it’s ironically labeled, The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention reports there are 25 attempts. We'll discuss common but painful reactions from families. And we need to realize that everyone who kills themselves has thought about it before. Maybe even shared their thoughts with someone. It's so important to listen, and try to help. Important Links: Seven Women's stories about overcoming suicidal thoughts You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!            

SelfWork YGTG: Is Meghan Markle's Experience Unique?

It's Women's History Month! And I’m excited to announce that SelfWork has a new sponsor -  Premium Jane. You can visit them at premiumjane.com and use coupon code SelfWork to get 20% off your purchase. Today we’ll talk about women who’ve been important crusaders for mental health awareness, both present-day celebrities and historically important female voices, Their brave words and actions, as well as the research statistics that demonstrate women's social reality, help all of us see just how much women still have to face. We’ll focus on why women seem more vulnerable to certain mental illness and of course, what positive mental and emotional traits do women have that are more unique to them. The listener email for today is from an early 30’s young woman who feels very enmeshed with her parents, who’ve built a reality for her that the world is a scary place – and haven’t supported her to live independently from them. It's called enmeshment and it's a complex issue, as well as hard to identify and change. Important Links: Female celebrities shining the light on their own struggles Six female mental health heroes in history Why are there such dramatic gender differences in mental health Women's job loss in the pandemic far outweighs those of men Strengths of female entrepreneurs Study showing men and women share many strengths; Here are four meaningful traits that seem greater for women You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  

223 SelfWork: Shining A Light On Women's Bravery In The Mental Health Arena

    How can you prevent something that may be seemingly inconsequential or something "I should be able to manage" from becoming the straw that breaks the camel's back? Here are seven ways to prevent that from happening. We’re all handling isolation, quarantine, job loss, financial troubles, boredom, loneliness, grief, fear – a new brand of anxiety that’s literally about taking your next breath. So today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll focus once again on "what you can do about it." Here are the seven preventative tips:' Practice self-compassion Recognize the cumulative impact of stress and ambiguity Stop comparing yourself to others Practice mindfulness and awareness of the present moment Know and honor your triggers Remain humble rather than prideful Go for help if you develop clinical depression, flashbacks or severe anxiety The listener email today is from a woman who listened to the podcast on sibling sexual abuse in early February. I simply wanted to comment further on her response to that post – as I didn’t mention something very important. That’s why I love feedback from all of you. It keeps me on my toes. Important links: Flattened By A Tire by Terry Cheney BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!            

222 SelfWork: Seven Ways To Prevent The Straw From Breaking The Camel's Back

We're killing two birds with one stone on this episode of SelfWork, one again sponsored by BetterHelp. I talk about a recent Ted Radio Hour interview I heard with A.J. Jacobs. He's the author of the recent new book Thanks A Thousand. He did a fascinating and arduous life study of how to make himself happier - and wondered if expressing gratitude would get him there. What did he do? He chased down everyone that even had a minuscule amount of responsibility for providing his morning cup of coffee - and thanked them. He was using - whether he knew it or not - the "as if" method that can be very effective in therapy to move toward changing your behavior. You basically make choices "as if" you already had the trait you're trying to learn - or try on for size. You act "as if" you believed in yourself. You act "as if" you're relaxed or not anxious. And lo and behold, your actions lead you to feel like you do believe in yourself or you're not so anxious. It's a matter of focus. The listener email this week is from a woman who states concern over someone whose lost a parent that they were enmeshed with, but have never recognized the enmeshment. And now that parent is gone. How can she help and what can she expect? Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! A.J. Jacobs episode of The Ted Radio Hour Dr. Margaret's blogpost on enmeshment. Psych Central Article by Sharon Martin on traits of enmeshment You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        

221 SelfWork: Getting To Happiness Thru Gratitude

This is the first in a series here on SelfWork about careers that can kill. Over the next few months, we're going to interview people who are led to careers that hold within them the ever-increasing danger of suicidal ideation or suicide itself. Doctors, police officers, the military. We are losing the people that we, as a culture, expect to do very difficult jobs psychologically. Yet the professions themselves don't encourage mental health treatment, or even disparage those that reveal struggle. Sometimes you don’t know why, but you’re drawn to someone or to their story. Adam Hill is one of those people for me. Adam presented himself as a thoughtful guy as well as being a doctor who’d trained as a pediatric oncologist at some of the finest schools and research centers the USA has to offer. And then came the fact that he is a recovering alcoholic. He's the author of Long Walk Out of The Woods – which when you read the book, you totally get that he’s not simply talking metaphorically, but quite literally -as he nearly ended his own life in a deep, sheltered place in the woods. So I wanted to talk to this man who’d risked everything career-wise to reveal his struggle with severe depression and alcoholism –  and become not only a doctor, but now a mental health advocate whose fighting to change how his profession’s licensing boards and entire medical community views seeking help for mental illness or substance abuse. So I  present to you Dr. Adam Hill. His story is riveting and may carry within it something important for you or your loved one to hear.

220 SelfWork: Careers That Kill: A Conversation with Dr. Adam Hill

  Today I’m sharing the work of Stacey Wright, a psychotherapist in Georgia whose work is frequently featured on The Mighty. She specializes in the treatment of highly sensitive people. I thought what she had to say was very clear in her latest article on The Mighty. And she further distinguishes those who are highly sensitive (HSP) people to those she terms true "empaths." And yet there's debate about the term and even the concept of an "empath" being a noun is disputed as an appropriate label for someone who's simply highly empathetic. We can hear the other side as it's voiced by Rick Cormier, a retired psychotherapist and author of Mixed Nuts, He says the term was lifted from Star Trek, in fact was made up by its creators, and doesn't exist other than in science fiction. It's a hot debate! Whatever you believe, you can make up your own mind – But I hope you get the gist. Important Links: Contact Stacey Wright through her blog! The Mighty's new podcast!  Judith Orloff’s newest book on thriving as an empath You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  

SelfWork YGTG: Do Empaths Actually Exist? Here's The Debate

"I want this over!!"  is being shouted from the rooftops by many after this round of holidays held little release from the sacrifices we are all making. But pandemic fatigue can easily morph into pandemic burnout, meaning that whatever skills you’d been using to dig a little deeper or find some laughter or hope – those skills are maxed out . It's easy to take frustration out on the person who's your pandemic partner. And the three facets of burnout - excessive fatigue, detachment  and cynicism, and a feeling of lack of accomplishment - can too easily be focused on your relationship. So in this episode of SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll also focus on four considerations that might help you realize that the pandemic is dramatizing what are fairly normal facets of long relationships. What are these four considerations? Realize the problem could lie with you as you might've become clinically depressed. Be aware of how others might be negatively impacting how you think about your partner. Consider which of your disappointments in your partner are tied in with things you love about them. You don't get one without the other. Recognize that you might not be "in sync" with one another, living almost parallel lives, and try to listen and respond more kindly and lovingly. The listener email is from a mom who’s confused about her children saying she’s coming across as needy when she feels all she’s doing is letting them all know she’s thinking of them and praying for them. So I’ll answer her as best I can – and you can decide what you think as well! Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! . An article in EveryDay Health talks about pandemic fatigue Find out how pandemic burnout is defined in this article in New Scientist Article on Intimate Partner Violence and how the pandemic has affecting hotline use From Mom to Me Again: Wonderful book on managing empty nest . You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! .        

219 SelfWork: Four Tips On Avoiding Pandemic Burnout With Your Pandemic Partner

Today in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re talking about hypnosis. Not only will I try to debunk the various myths there are out there about it, but help you understand exactly how it can work. I’ve been hypnotized several times myself and I’ll explain what I experienced.  I’ve also been trained in hypnosis so I can explain what it’s like to actually do hypnosis; what you’re watching for in the client, how you set the process up for the most success. I’ll draw heavily on the work of Michael Yapko, whose trainings I’ve attended and who’s an international expert on hypnosis and its effectiveness with depression. It’s truly a fascinating experience – both to use it in therapy and to participate in it. And I'll include the most dramatic example I've had thus far in my practice of it helping my client tremendously with PTSD. Our listener email today is from a woman who’s talking about something we touched on in last week’s episode about sexual abuse; that one of the lingering issues can be the strong association of sex with danger or dominance or even pain. Just how do you break that kind of connection so that normal healthy sexual intimacy can be enjoyed? Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Wikipedia description of hypnosis Dr. Michael Yapko's definition and explanation of hypnosis Harvard's brain scanning research using the brains of 57 people during guided hypnosis. Article on the myths of hypnosis A great article by  psychiatrist Dr. Aaron Kheriaty explaining the mind/body connection in BDSM. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk A wonderful summary of Dr. Van Der Kolk's book You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!          

218 SelfWork: Explaining Hypnosis

Writing a book is the hardest and most labor-intensive task I've ever accomplished. And sometimes, while I was deep in the throws of its creation, I would wonder why I was doing it, even though I was so passionate about its message. What did I really hope would happen as a result? Well, two things have happened this week that remind me of why the topic of perfectly hidden depression is vital for our mental health culture- and you - to understand. The first was from a conversation I had with psychologist Lindsay Weisner, who was interviewing me and was reading Perfectly Hidden Depression. The second was an email from a middle-aged man who was shocked at his own identification with PHD - and what that realization was leading him to do. Such an honor.  None of us ever know how others will perceive what we do or what we try to offer, do we? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    

SelfWork You Get the Gist (YGTG): Why Exactly Did I Write A Book?

Trigger Warning: If you choose to listen to this episode on sibling sexual abuse, please keep your own self-care in mind. I’ll have international sexual abuse hotline numbers in the show notes: But the US hotline is  1-800-656-4673. Sibling sexual abuse is a complex and painful subject that's vastly underreported. And it can happen in any home, anywhere. How is it different than normal sexual curiosity between siblings? What sets the environment up for it to occur? Why don't they tell a parent? How does it affect its victims? What if they themselves repeated or even forced sexual activity on others in the family? I'll use a case from my own practice to talk about how and when it can occur - and as always, what a parent or loved one can do about it. What's important to know from the beginning is that sexual abuse isn't only about sex; it's much more about control and grabbing power. In this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll go over in detail a very moving email I received – and I'll point out the language used by the writer, a victim of sibling abuse. You'll be able to hear for yourself her confusion about blame, responsibility, shame, and fear. Listener Email: (Bolded sections created by Dr. Rutherford) What do you do if you're carrying the guilt and shame of being sexually abused as a child, but also the guilt of taking part in the abuse? My abuse started when I was probably 2 years old by my sisters and cousins who were all older than me. Then I was taught to do things as a child and my first and only sexual experiences were us kids doing sexual acts to each other. This went on until I was about 11/12. Family member's were involved and no one talks about it to this day but I suffer mentally with it. I feel like it was my fault, mostly because my sister's (the two who abused me would say this to me, and that I didn't speak up.  And when I was 7 I was raped by a male family friend. I never told. Now as an almost 40yr old woman I still feel ashamed, like someone should have stopped it. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Facts about sibling abuse from a VeryWell Mind SelfWork episode on the Karpman Triangle  Article on the cycle of sexual abuse and outcomes for victims; Article in VeryWell Mind SelfWork episode on the shame associated with sexual arousal during sexual abuse Facts about sexual offenders Sexual anorexia: What is it? Healing the Shame That Binds You Sexual Abuse Hotlines https://www.childhelplineinternational.org/child-helplines/child-helpline-network/ https://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html https://www.rainn.org/ https://victimconnect.org/resources/national-hotlines/ You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!          

217 SelfWork: When Brothers and Sisters Abuse One Another

Welcome to SelfWork! Do you have things in your life you want to change, but you struggle to believe you can? Dr. Margaret has a direct, down-to-earth approach to therapy and treatment, and uses her twenty years of experience to guide you in making the changes you want. No psychological jargon here! Rather, she uses a solution-oriented approach to depression, anxiety, trauma or grief - what Dr. Margaret calls, "What you can do about it." Subscribe today!