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Are you getting a message that weight gain means you are doing it wrong?  Diets preach weight loss for health and then tell us that if their rules don’t work it is on us not them. You are not a failure if or when you gain weight. If you struggle with moving away from diets and need more insight to fuel your Food Peace Journey, you are in the right place. Subscribe and leave a review here in just seconds. This episode of The Love Food Podcast is brought to you by my PCOS + Food Peace Course:   Get 30% off using the coupon code ‘LOVE2021’ starting Valentine’s Day through the end of February. Grab details at PCOSandFoodPeace.com.  Thank you for you supporting the Love Food Podcast! Dear Food, For probably my entire entire life I have used as a scapegoat to avoid my divided and toxic family life, my fear of relationships and men, and the excuse as to why I can't keep the weight off.  After my brother passed unexpectedly this year and after mindless eating to numb the pain of his absence I seeked out some help from a therapist. I am still in therapy and I was able to unblock myself with the numbness. This is where you came in Food. I was no longer using you as a source of comfort anymore. Alongside this journey I decided to read the Intuitive Eating book that Julie Duffy Dillon put on her must reads syllabus section. I read it slowly and realized even more that you don't really bring me that source of comfort anymore or really the satisfaction. In fact I had face so much without you in just a matter of 3 months. I had to face the reality that my brother is no longer here, that I used you to numb myself to the point where I didn't know what I was feeling, and that I fed myself the wrong foods to keep myself fat so men would leave me alone. I say this because when I have been at a lighter weight I did not feel comfortable at all with the attention. I felt vulnerable in my new body. Fat is all I have ever known. I was a wallflower and invisible to men. Once I wasn't I was back at the binging and the weight crept up, although on a conscious level I was so upset about this.  I know all of this sounds crazy but I had such a huge insight in such a short amount of time. I began to take care of myself, but I am really struggling with something: PCOS. I really want to build a strong and healthy relationship with my body. My body is completely out of balance because I feel it at a cellular level. Because I had gained almost 15 lbs from the loss of my brother my PCOS symptoms came back. I don't weigh myself anymore but I do want to lose some weight so I can get off medication and re-stabilize my hormones. I just feel like all the information out there about nutrition and PCOS is so contradictory. I don't know where to start. I find myself getting into diet mentality and I fight myself mentally constantly, especially lately. I don't feel at peace and this concerns me. I have stopped exercising because of this mental stress too.  I ask you Food, what am I really supposed to do? Am I supposed to be ok with the fact that maybe my PCOS Is always going to wreck havoc on my health? Am I supposed to be ok with being large and constantly fighting to stabilize my hormones. I'm only 26, and I am so fatigued. I really don't care what the scale says anymore, what I want to know is: what exactly am I supposed to do? I honor my hunger but I noticed some days I barely eat. I logically do not think this is ok since I have PCOS. Idk if I can trust my body fully because of the PCOS. Instead of going around in circles, does intuitive eating really work for PCOS? Are carbs really what is making my hormones insane or gain a few extra pounds? I just feel so lost. I want to get out of this. I want to heal my body and my soul. I want to heal my PCOS naturally and I want to be ok with you Food. I just hate how healing PCOS equates to weight loss. I think this may be the issue. I just feel like I am always going to lose when it comes to PCOS.  Sincerely, Lost Cyster.    Show Notes: Julie Dillon RD blog The PCOS + Food Peace Free Roadmap The PCOS + Food Peace Course Link to get latest Food Peace Syllabus. 6 Keys To Food Peace Submit your Dear Food letter here or https://forms.gle/pepKRGPC8JbHLHHn8 Julie on Instagram: Instagram.com/FoodPeaceDietitian Find Eating Disorder Dietitians near you. Do you have a complicated relationship with food? I want to help! Send your Dear Food letter to LoveFoodPodcast@gmail.com.  Click here to leave me a review in iTunes and subscribe. This type of kindness helps the show continue!