Kids & Family
Welcome to the Bible Momming podcast, I’m your host Paula Whidden. I’m an author, pastor, wife, and mom to two wonderful girls who I adore and I regularly tell them how much I like them. And, it’s true. I didn’t know that I could like my own teenagers when I was a youth pastor and so many parents expressed their frustrations about their kids to me, and yet I do. I think you can too. One way to begin liking your own children more involves working on communication. It starts when they are young and builds and strengthens or gets worse as they grow. Here are some things I’ve learned over the years that you can begin doing at any time and as long as you are persistent and caring through the process, you will grow closer to your children as a result. You see, we all want to connect with our kids but we can become frustrated as we seek to connect and they seem to close the door on us. Actually, what I’ve learned is that they want us to seek to grow as they grow. They want our questions to get better. They want us to make them feel better about themselves. They don’t know how to teach us though. But, they want to see it happen. So, today we are learning about asking better questions to get better answers. It feels like lately, we are in a communication drought. Don’t get me wrong, plenty of people are talking. OH SO MUCH TALKING! But very few are listening or even trying to listen. I’m not innocent of this. My youngest daughter started referring to me as a JibberJabber when she was 6, she’s 15 now and it’s a family joke. She has also become a bit of a jibber-jabber. Needless to say, I have a history of being a talker. But that doesn’t mean I’ve always been a good communicator. And, I want to be one. A few years ago I embarked on a learning journey to improve my communication skills. I began reading great books like Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently by John Maxwell. I listened to amazing podcasts by great communicators like Dynamic Communicators by Ken Davis. And, I began trying things out on my family. I believe that being able to communicate well with our children is a huge part of their growth process. Actually, some research indicates the truth of this. The University of Missouri has done some studies on how to build a strong family and in 2004 they determined that communication between parents and children influences children’s problem-solving skills, ability to relate with peers and their level of emotional distress. As I studied, I learned that I needed to ask more and better questions. I tended to fill in any empty space with my own words. But I learned that asking more questions than I answer really helped me to get to know my kids and my husband better. I needed to not assume I understood them, I needed to be sure because I asked good questions. (I’ll admit, they have occasionally been resistant, but they are coming around.) When I first started, I think I came off as a bit of an inquisitor or a journalist trying to get a story. I accidentally pummeled them with questions for the purpose of asking questions rather than really listening and responding to them. My children have gone through periods where there don’t want to answer and get frustrated by my asking. Eventually, I had to tell them that my questions showed how much I care. I didn’t have to ask. We could sit in the same car and pull out our devices and never talk. We could do that, but I wouldn’t like it because I would feel like we weren’t really caring for one another. So, I ask questions. In spite of their pushback, I kept trying. You can too. From what I can tell, they are glad I kept pushing. I think they are also glad that I lightened up and started actually listening. (I confess that when I’m tired I sometimes go back to my old ways, but I’m getting better.) Did you know there are 584 Bible verses on the topic of listening? That’s a lot. Proverbs 12:15 Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others. I don’t know about you, but when I’m older looking back at my momming style, I don’t want to think I was such a fool. I’m sure you don’t either. Over the years, there are things I’ve learned about this question asking stuff. There are good questions and there are bad questions. If you’ve ever asked a question and receive the grunting one-word response (which I have received) those are the bad questions. They didn’t intrigue my kids enough to beg them to answer. They were aimed at a yes or no response, which doesn’t ignite good conversation. The best way to handle it when you discover you asked a bad question is either to regroup and try again or redirect and try again. In other words, don’t give up just because you messed up, keep trying. Some questions people don’t want to answer, so you may have to go onto another topic for the time being. I started doing this to help me learn about what my kids were doing when they were in school and we couldn’t connect. I felt so separate from them. I’ve also discovered that this knowledge overflows into my marriage too. My husband and I are apart all day and then we come together around 7:30 pm and go to bed around 10 pm. In that time, our family watches T.V. or plays a game or has some activity, so the time we get to talk together is fairly small. It has to be purposeful. The better questions I ask my husband, the more connected we feel to one another. To be fair, sometimes he reciprocates and asks me some questions, but sometimes he’s tired and he doesn’t. That’s okay. I’m responsible for me. Here are some tricks I’ve learned about asking good questions. I hope they help you to connect with your family too. 1. Yes and No is No Go I am always trying to figure out ways to ask questions that will not have a “yes,” or, “no,” response. Those two words are dead ends in conversation. If I accidentally get that response, I’ll ask a follow-up question like, “Why?” or “Why not?” I’ll ask for an explanation even if I think I know the explanation because I’ve learned that I make a lot of assumptions about what my family means and those assumptions often turn out to be wrong. 2. Use Early Grammar Tools Do you remember being in English class and the teacher told you to write about the who, what, when, where and why of a given story? Those are great conversation-starting words. Who helps you to know about the people in your children’s lives. What gives specifics that we don’t know if we don’t ask. When is tough for the little children but it still helps to move your conversation forward. Where give a visual image for those of us who picture things when we talk with others. And why help us to understand the inner thinking of those we love. Here are a couple of examples of questions I often ask my kids: Who did you eat lunch with today? What made you smile today? Where do you wish you could visit sometime? Why do you want to do that activity? 3. Have Regular Questions You Ask There can be something annoying about having someone ask you the same questions, but there is also something comforting about it. I’ve discovered that when I’m tired (and that happens more than I’d like) I can’t think of good questions. That doesn’t mean I’m not interested in my kids or my husband, I just lack originality at the moment. So, I’ve developed some go-to questions that I ask regularly. You can develop the ones that work for you. Many of these came about because I asked bad questions and tried again. When I got good responses, I made a mental note and re-asked it. I’m amazed at how these repetitious questions still get great responses. With my husband it’s different than with my kids, in his fatigue he’ll push back on the repetitious questions sometimes. Ironically, my kids look forward to answering these questions and often compete for who gets to share first. What an amazing problem to have! Here are some of my regular questions? How was your day today? (I know this often involves a one-word answer, but I use it to help me know how to ask other questions. For example, when my daughter says, “good,” I’ll follow up with, “What made it good?” or “What was your favorite part?” If she says it was,” Bad.” I’ll respond with something like, “What made it bad?” What was the best part of your day? Did you have any good conversations today? What kind of things did you talk about? What was the worst part of your day? These are works in progress, but usually, these questions start good conversations. As those conversations go and as I’ve been learning to listen more, my kids often ask me questions too. Some of them are about me, but some are also about things they saw or did because they value my thoughts. As a parent, those questions are wonderful teaching moments because they are asking me to be a part of their thought process and their world. I love that. 4. Table Talk I’ve also discovered that sitting down at the table to eat helps in those conversations. When I was growing up, my family sat in the living room and watched T.V. together over dinner. As a result, we really didn’t talk much and even today we struggle with communicating with one another. I didn’t want that for my kids. It’s been really important for me to figure out how to sit down at a table together for a meal. It was foreign. I didn’t know how to sit at the table, eat together and actually talk with one another. Funny how we often do things outside our comfort zones for our kids. That was DEFINITELY outside my comfort zone. I started asking the questions, but it actually felt even more awkward. All our other conversations, with the exception of my husband, were in the car. The car felt comfortable and safe and familiar. The table didn’t. So, we decided to start playing board games as a part of our meals. In the course of a board game, we have conversations and it felt safer. 5. Board Games If this applies to you, our family has certain favorite board games we have played over the years. We have found that some fit us better than others. It’s a point of discovery. When you find what works for you, you too can have a venue for the conversations that maybe feel awkward to you too. Plus, when it’s very cold or very hot outside, board games are great ways to be active, at least mentally, as a family. Anything that takes you away from a screen is helpful. Over the years, different board games have been popular in our home. Right now we are enjoying Mexican Train Dominoes (thank you to my friend Jason Vanderpal for teaching us), Scrabble, Catch Phrase and Uno. After you have done all these things or even some of these things always remember to listen well and respond to what they are saying don’t just wait to say your next question. Our kids want to know that we are truly interested in them. James 1:19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, One of the biggest things we do for our children is trying. We try one thing, then try another and we keep on trying to help our kids to be successful and hopefully become kind and caring and successful adults they were meant to be. Don’t give up mommas, keep trying. I would love to hear from you on this topic. Do you have questions that work well in your home? How about board games? Have you tried sitting at the table for meals, how do you get everyone talking together? You can contact me on social media. I’m Paula Whidden on just about every venue. Thank you taking time out of your day to listen to this podcast. Remember to subscribe so that you can hear it for free whenever you want. I don’t know about you but I only listen to the podcasts I subscribe to. And if this is helpful for you, share it with a friend. I’ve enjoyed this time we have together. I know you have plenty of things to do and many options, so thank you for listening. Remember Love is Patient, Love is kind…and that is never more real than in our families. God bless you and have a great week.