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Listen to find out ways to help teenagers manage stress during the COVID-19 pandemic from Sanford's school counselors. The transcript is below.   Welcome to Sanford Speaks, the podcast that provides valuable insight and information to help parents and students navigate the world of education. Today's host is Sanford communications director and IT director, Cheryl Fleming. We hope you enjoy this episode. Welcome to Sanford Speaks. Today, we are hosting our second in a series of podcasts that are focusing on living, learning, and teaching during the pandemic. Today, our guests are Sanford schools three counselors, Upper School counselor Sarah Satinsky, Middle School counselor, Courtney Gregor and Lower School counselor, Skye Rashkind. We're going to be talking about how to help 7th through 12th-grade students, basically teenagers, manage stress during the pandemic. Before we get started, I'm going to ask each of the counselors to tell us a little bit about themselves. Let's start with you, Sarah. Hi, I'm Sarah Satinsky. I am the Upper School counselor here at Sanford. I am in my fifth school year and previously was in private practice as a therapist, and I worked at various independent schools. And I'm so glad to be here today. Courtney? Hi, everyone. I'm Courtney Gergor. I am the Middle School counselor, and this is my second year at Sanford. Previously, before coming into this role I was in clinical psychology research where I primarily worked with children and adolescents and how they manifest anxiety, both in school and in-home situations. And I'm Skye Rashkind. I'm the Lower School counselor. This is also my second year at Sanford. I've been an educator for 20 plus years at this point, very happy to be here at Sanford, have spent a lot of time teaching and learning and have two of my own teens at home so that's another perspective I can share. Well, thank you all for being here. I know how busy you are, but I know every time we connect with you for our podcast we get a ton of information for our families in our community so thank you. Let's jump right in talking about COVID-19. I think adolescence is just stressful enough sometimes at different points in a teenager's life. Even in the best of circumstances life can be stressful. Are you all seeing greater levels of stress within the teen community during the pandemic? Yeah, I would say, not only are we seeing it, but across the board nationwide it's absolutely more prevalent right now. I think so many teens are suffering great losses, losses of what they expected their teenage years to look like, and that often manifests itself in increased depression or anxiety or other just atypical behaviors or emotions that they're not used to experiencing as intensely and as frequently. And I agree with Sarah. When we think about those atypical behaviors for your seventh and eighth-grade students, it may look like a decrease in motivation to engage with school or lack of interest in hobbies or activities that they typically engaged in before or just an overall change in mood and behavior across the school year. So you touched upon this a little bit. Are there some other signs and symptoms that parents and educators can look for with respect to stress in adolescence? Yeah, I would say, in general, the teenage years can be a bit of a roller coaster of emotions. And I think the roller coaster is a little bit more intense during a pandemic, but I think as a parent or as an educator, if you're looking at teens and wanting to see, is this the typical ups and downs of teenage years or is this something a little bit more intense or concerning going on? Focusing on the intensity-- how long these emotions are lasting, the duration. How frequently they're coming up and the pervasiveness, how deeply they're affecting their ability to be a student and their ability to be a friend-- those would be some things to look for as you're monitoring and staying with your teenagers. Now, I'll only add to that watching out for the physical symptoms as well. So maybe you're seeing that your child is complaining about frequent stomach aches or headaches, or there might be chronic worrying or changes in appetite. We know, I think for everyone, student or parent, changes in sleep patterns. COVID has certainly impacted the way our sleeping patterns have manifested, and then, like I was saying before, just a general withdrawal. It's an uncertain and really stressful year and time, and there's going to be changes in behavior because these students-- when it's already, like Sarah said, a really difficult time to navigate the teenage years, having this added stress just increases the uncertainty in how the students are dealing with it in their day to day life. And I would just say, as certainly as a practitioner and as a mother, just look. Just look for those signs. Just ask those questions, but you also don't want to be an interviewer constantly. I think you can notice things subtly. Sometimes, we're all really busy, but also, I think the other thing is also, just kind of notice what you're putting out there, what kind of energy you've got. Kids really take in what they see often. They're incredibly resilient, but sometimes, we don't realize how stressed we are. And sometimes, we don't notice it until we see our kids super stressed. So keep an eye on your self-care as well and get help if you need it. So in terms of learning, what kind of effect can stress have, particularly for teens on their ability to learn and their willingness to learn and other aspects of education? It can have a huge effect. One little visual I like to share with teens is thinking about the brain like this. And this front part would be right here, your prefrontal cortex, and inside is your amygdala, which is the emotional center that kind of regulates how you're feeling, emotions, your ability to bring yourself down if you're at a heightened emotional state. And I say, in a pandemic or if you're stressed, your lid, like the top of your brain, is flipped off. And when you're just shooting from that emotional center, this prefrontal cortex, which is the logical, rational part of your brain, which can help really provide that rational thinking is out the window. And so when that is out the window, you're not going to be able to function academically as well as you perhaps were in the past. And so what that can look like, Courtney referenced, maybe a lack of motivation, less engaged in the classroom, maybe a student who is super participatory is less so now. So their engagement might change. You also sometimes can see students shift the other way and become super high pressure, intense, high achieving as that's their way to cope with all of the emotions is defined control in doing too much. And so looking for those changes in patterns of behavior is important, and certainly there likely will be an effect. I completely agree with Sarah. And even just thinking about that prefrontal cortex and how it regulates working memory, self-regulation as well, or at least handles that those, I guess, entities. So if we're talking about working memory and self-regulation, Sarah touched on the decision making and the impulsivity. You also want to be on the lookout for, how are they completing their assignments? Are they able to stay on top of their homework load? How are they completing their assignments? Is it the normal-- are they putting the normal level of effort that they typically always do? Like we always say, we look for patterns of behavior, not just one change and one time. So, you know, take a notice of are any classes particularly difficult because they're not performing at this certain level that they normally do. So we all agree that stress is out there. What are some strategies that folks can try to reduce stress? Why don't we start with you, Skye. So I think if we can support our kids to and make an environment where they're willing to talk about it is huge. Whether it's, again, kind of checking yourself and saying, wow I'm really noticing that this is really hard. You know, empathizing, giving them that space to maybe have that conversation I think can be really impactful. Don't expect it all the time. You'll be disappointed, because often they just they just want to do what they're doing. If you know they're communicating with friends, either via social media, or if they are able to be in school some and are able to connect in those ways, let's hope. And usually, they're communicating some of those feelings also with their friends, but I would say just making the space for them to have those conversations is really, really helpful. Keeping a regular schedule, you know, those things that are most important like getting good sleep, making sure that your body is moving, exercising, whether it's a walk or just getting some fresh air or a full-blown workout, making sure that or encouraging positive eating, and just keeping those routines in place are so important for kids. The only thing that I would add to that is, like Skye said, when we're talking about exercise or whatever it may be, some type of activity. If you're not even sure how to start a conversation with your child, even-- I think about this when I'm with my middle school students. It's awkward sometimes to even be just facing another, like one on one, facing right in front of them. And so, like Skye said, if you're going on that walk, that might help foster those conversations. So just the simple act of going and doing something together might enable those conversations to be that much easier. And I'll just add within those conversations, don't, as the adult, feel pressure to solve the problems. Be okay with sitting with an uncomfortable feeling. A teen expresses extreme disappointment or frustration and being able to just acknowledge, yeah, that really is so upsetting. That sucks. And sitting with that and not having to stay on top of it, but next week will be better, or you can get-- sometimes sitting with that emotion can go a really long way and just helping your teen feel validated, which is all as humans that we want. We want to feel validated and acknowledged in the things that we're experiencing. With the pandemic, we've seen so much change. Change in how teens can socialize, change in educational programs with respect to sports and arts, and all of these different things. Do you have any advice for parents who are suddenly hit with the, why can't we go see our friends, and why can't we--? I mean, the why might be a parent if you're watching the news, or there may be I guess controversial or differing opinions about how to handle that, but I can remember with my own kids-- well, so-and-so is doing it. Why can't I do it? Any suggestions for those type of scenarios? I think what Sarah just said was really important and is really, really valid in terms of your question. It's validating those feelings, right? This is hard. This is disappointing. We can't sit there and say to our kids, oh, no, this is fine. It's fine. It just-- again, we have to realize how hard this is for them. We know it, right? In our gut, we know how hard this is, but making sure we give them that space and empathizing in that moment, I think, is really important. And I think when they're asking why you can't do a certain thing, they typically probably do have a sense of the news. They do have a sense of regulations and guidelines that are in place, and so being flexible as you're able to brainstorm with them, to compromise. Maybe they're saying, why can't I see my friend? And you had had a hard line as a no, but if it's outside and masks on a walk, maybe it works. And so being willing to compromise with them, hear their perspective of how they're thinking they can do it safely, teens often have some really creative ideas. And so being willing to do that with them. Well, you touched upon technology a little bit in some of that response. Can you facetime? Can you get together via Zoom, and those kinds of things? I think a lot of parents are wondering, is it important to minimize the amount of technology that's being used? We hear a lot about screen time today and too much time spent on social media. Do you have any thoughts about, during this pandemic, especially, are there any guidelines you could suggest? There's no easy answer to this question, and I think that each family has to figure out what feels right for them. In general, teens are absolutely on screens, on devices far more than they would be in a non-pandemic year, and that's starting from a baseline that's already heightened. As a teen, with the prevalence of social media, they're on devices a lot. I think, to the extent you can, minimizing it, and at the very least, looking at the quality, at the type of screen time.   Is it facetime where they're actually interacting with a peer, or is it mindless scrolling on TikTok? I think those look different. At the very core of it, though, it's going to be crucial that your final decision as a family is come together with a consensus and some sort of group conversation so that it's not top-down, because you need the teens buy-in. You need the teens to agree with whatever guidelines you set in your home, and so involving them in their conversation of what that looks like as your family. And saying, maybe it's all phones away at dinner, and you all do it, including parents. Something like that that everyone can get it on. I completely agree with Sarah. I just again, thinking back to my middle school students-- I mean, peers are everything to them in a normal non-COVID world. And so, if peers are everything to them, and the primary force in their world-- staying engaged via social media and online and via technology is how they're doing it If they're not in school. And so, like Sarah said, having a family conversation and making sure that they are part of that conversation and coming up with a plan on how much screen time they're going to have is absolutely vital so that they have buy-in. And then they feel like they have a voice and some control of how often they're engaging with social media. And then, again, just to reiterate making sure that you're just paying attention to whether it is that active or passive engagement with technology. Are they, like Sarah said, facetiming or playing a passive game, or being on an app for a certain amount of time that doesn't really engage them that much. Just things to consider, and it's always an ongoing conversation. And it's okay if things change too. It doesn't have to be permanent for a set amount of time. It can be an ongoing thing that changes. Yeah, and I think-- I mean, again, we can't as parents just drop all the limits, right? We have to kind of set those things, and I think many of us really feel for our kids. And we know how much they're struggling. And I completely agree with what Sarah and Courtney said. Their friends are their world, and we need to appreciate that and help them foster those connections for sure. But if you do notice that your kids are up at 1:00 in the morning because they're scrolling, or even because they're on facetime with a friend-- setting some limits, having some limits in place, and just being realistic. Is it 10:00 that they need to be off? Is it 10:30 or 11:00, depending on their age. Whatever works for your family. And I do think it's vitally important to make sure that there are some limits but also to include, absolutely include your student as part of that. Your child is part of the conversation because again, buy-in is super important. I want to just, sorry Cheryl, I want to just emphasize that Courtney and Skye both referenced-- they both said, their peers are their world. Teens and their friends are everything to them. And I just want to emphasize that that's not just a cliche or something it seems like teens care about a lot, but truly, developmentally, teens are able to continue to grow in themselves, find their sense of purpose, meaning, connection through peers and through those friendships. So developmentally, it's a vital part of their experience. And so I wanted to just emphasize how important it is to foster those connections in whatever way you're able to, whether it's with technology or in-person safe gatherings, because they absolutely need that. No, please, no apology necessary. Any of you can jump in at any point in time, because this is all about the information that you have, so thank you for adding that, Sarah. In terms of resources, I'm guessing, and I don't have any research on this, but I would imagine that during this time, parents are Google-searching and looking at blogs and hopefully listening to our podcast as well. So they're looking for resources that can help guide them and their children and their families during this time. What resources are out there that you could suggest? I'll throw out one of my favorite authors who specializes in work with teenagers. Her name is Lisa Damour and she has a podcast and also a column that she does for the New York Times. And if you go to Lisa's website, you'll see some books she's written, but you'll see a lot of articles that are really prevalent to the times, help give parents some guiding principles on how to handle different common situations that come up with teenagers, both generally and also COVID-time specific. So I always recommend checking out Lisa Damour's work. I'll add that I typically love to go to Kid's Help from the Moors, as well as the Child Mind Institute websites. They're chock full of information for all ages of children, and they also span a variety of topics for mental and physical and socio-emotional health. Beyond that though, I really do think leaning on not only us, but a child's advisor too at least in the middle school and upper school context. Because they do have-- I'm just thinking of they have an inside look at somebody who-- they're with your student every single day-- at least in the middle school at the beginning and end of the school day. And when you're overhearing conversations about what the students are talking about-- they may have either a book recommendation or some type of activity that the kids are talking about-- they sometimes have a unique window into the student's worlds, and they know your students really well, so also leaning not only on us but your student's advisors as well. And I'll throw in one of my favorites, especially helpful. When you're thinking about what tech use looks like. Its Common Sense Media. It's a website that is, again, chock full of lots of information and resources for families. And actually not just about tech, about lots of things. The other thing is we have an upcoming speaker in a few weeks here at Sanford that's all about helping families manage-- parents in particular-- helping parents kind of manage and work with their students during this pandemic. Again, an unprecedented time-- we know that our families need support and resources. So the speaker is on February 11. It's a Thursday at 7:00. It will be via Zoom, so you can watch it from the comfort of your home. And her name is Lonnie Nelsons Lipco. She is a local, really an expert with lots and lots of experience. She's a psychologist and she does frequent talks actually all over for families. I think it will be a great resource for our families here at Sanford. And I'll just add one final resource to always keep in mind, which is your child's pediatrician. Or looking into your therapy network around your area if your child might need that extra support beyond what you can provide as a parent or perhaps teachers and advisors can provide a school-- not being afraid to seek that extra support if you're needing some professional guidance on some really concerning things that may be coming up. Well, as usual, you've provided such a wealth of information today, but I would like to close with, if you were to give families three pieces of advice, what three pieces of advice? If you were to say, walk out remembering these three things, what would they be? I'll start with-- if we each give three or one each, one advice each, Cheryl? You can give one, you can give three, and if you have more that you really feel compelled to share, that's fine too. I'll share two that are on my mind. The first is that when a teen is venting or complaining or stressing about something, that's a perfect time to listen and acknowledge and typically not the perfect time to suggest all your ideas on how to fix it. You can always ask, do you just need to vent or would you like to brainstorm? If they're open to brainstorming, there's your foot in the door to begin that conversation, but typically the best time to problem solve is when that teen is not in that heightened emotional state-- when they've got their brain cap back on and they can use that logical thinking. So timing out when you're going to talk to them about your ideas as opposed to just being there as a presence. And speaking of being a presence, I'll share this other piece this was an article actually that Lisa Damour wrote about the power of being a potted plant as a parent. And the idea behind this is just that your presence-- plants in your house feel nice and there's been a lot of research that just the presence of parents, whether they're having conversations or not, whether they're engaging with their teen or not, but just the fact that they're there in the house, in the same kitchen while you're cooking and the kid's doing homework-- just that presence actually goes a really long way in supporting a child's mental health. And so knowing that just by being you and being in your home, you're actually doing a huge favor to your child, whether they say it or not. It's a huge piece. I would add that I think we all need to give ourselves and each other a lot of grace during this time. It's just really difficult most days, and I think we see it in our students. We see the stress. We feel at ourselves, but we often just keep right on going, right? And we keep just kind of having these expectations that during this time may not be incredibly realistic. So I would say, give yourself some space and some grace to just kind of be every once in a while and realize that it will be different sooner than later, let's hope, but that it is really difficult. The other thing I think I would share is-- we discussed it a bit. If what you're finding is that your child really is struggling mightily, and you've accessed some resources, but you're just not you're just not seeing progress, or you're really concerned about your child, just don't wait. Don't wait to get support and help for your child. The reality about, especially kids with stress and anxiety is it may very well not get better right away or not get better without some supports in place. So if you're feeling like it's a real struggle, don't wait. Just get some help. The only thing that I'll add is-- and the first things that came to my mind when you said-- the three items is compassion, connection, and creativity. And so again, just that compassion-- creating a space for validation and sitting with your child. Maybe you're not speaking at all, you're just being together and being in the same space, like Sarah said, or and giving yourself grace, like Skye said. Forming connection-- so whether that's the typical things you do, maintaining those routines every day. And then creativity-- recognizing that as hard as this is and how much change is going on in the world, you're still a family, and your teen may come up with great ideas of how to try something new that you couldn't already do. Or maybe you have some great ideas as well, but you can work in partnership of how to come up with new ideas of how to move forward and do the things that you love every day. Sarah, Courtney, and Skye, thank you so much for sharing your expertise with our community and beyond, actually, through this podcast today. We always learn so much from you. We look forward to the next episode of this series in which we'll be talking about strategies for helping parents manage stress during pandemic Thanks so much for being here.