Kids & Family
This month’s Q&A episode begins with a question about Redshirting (postponing entrance into kindergarten to allow extra time for social, emotional, intellectual, and physical growth). This is a controversial topic because parents can be accused of using it to give their kids an advantage, but I explain why it might actually be best to hold a child back, particularly if their birthday is close to the cutoff date. Sending kids too early can set them on a path of feeling like they’re always behind throughout their school career, not only academically, but emotionally and physically as well. I also tackle a question about healthy eating habits and the murky waters of using food as a reward. I break down why I am 100% against this practice as it creates unhealthy relationships with food, and I discuss why food should not be tied to emotions or power struggles with your kid. Finally, I look at using distractions during a tantrum - when it’s good, when it’s bad. There’s a window of opportunity when you can successfully distract your child with a change in scenery or deep breathing exercises, but if they’re past that point and you find yourself in “Juggling Fire and Spinning Plates” territory, it’s actually healthy to let kids experience their full range of emotions so that they can learn the boundaries of what’s acceptable. After all, kids need to be an asshole before they can learn how to not be an asshole. As always, I love hearing your questions and truly appreciate your patronage. Thank you for listening and keep your questions coming! The Finer Details of This Episode: Redshirting is the practice of postponing entrance into Kindergarten of age-eligible children, to allow extra time for social, emotional, intellectual or physical growth Redshirting is a controversial practice because some parents are accused of using it to give their kids an advantage Kindergarten has a much more challenging curriculum today, and is much more competitive Sending your child to Kindergarten early could set them up to always feel behind the other children as time goes on, not only academically, but physically and emotionally as well 100% against using food as a reward or punishment, as this will create a very unhealthy relationship with food moving forward Do not use dessert as currency to get your child to do expected behavior (eat a healthy dinner, use the potty) If you use food as a reward, it will often escalate to the child asking for more before they comply Try to view your child’s eating habits through a daily lens, not a meal lens - did they get a fair amount of protein, carbohydrates, and nutrients throughout the day versus in that one sitting? Make sure you’re providing age appropriate food and serving sizes so your child is not overwhelmed Create a family meal culture of not having seconds until your plate is clear, knowing you’ve given them an appropriate amount of protein and vegetables Treats should not be associated with any rewards - it’s okay to just have a treat Food should not be tied to emotions or power struggles as this can lead to picky eating or even body image issues later in life “Go To Your Room” strategy helps children learn what self-regulates them The arc of a typical toddler tantrum includes a window of opportunity where you can distract them by going outside, watching a movie, doing deep breathing Kids need to have tantrums and experience the full range of their emotions to learn boundaries of what’s acceptable and what’s not Trying to fix the feeling versus being the calm, centered parent to guide them back into their body Quotes: “In most instances I think we are infantilizing our kids to the point of crippling them.” “In this case, I think it’s best to hold the child back… Kindergarten school has gotten jacked up. Kindergarten is more like what you probably experienced in first or second grade.” “Ten months at that age can make such a huge difference academically.” “If your kid is on the cusp, I say just keep them in pre-K another year or keep them home for another year. The markers may be okay for kindergarten, but you’ve got to think ahead.” “I think it’s better to give your kid the advantage. I think it's better for them to be a little bit older than a little bit younger, because the younger it's like - I just played catch up my whole life, my whole school career I just felt like I was playing catch up.” “It's so funny how we all knew everything before we actually had kids, but once you're in the trenches it's a totally different story.” “I am one hundred percent in the camp of food should not be a reward or a punishment. I think that's a quick way to set up a very unhealthy relationship with our kids and food.” “I think of food in these instances, like dessert in particular, like allowances… I think you should get an allowance to learn money management. I don't think it should be tied to chores. I don't think it should be a bribery system. I think kids need to learn money management, and need to learn how to save and how to accumulate and what to do with the money. And I think it needs to be not tied to chores, because chores are not - I don't pay for chores, just like I don't pay you to eat a good dinner.” “If you're going to have dessert, I don't think it should be tied to the amount they eat at dinner.” “That's one of my issues again with rewards across the board is for rewards to be effective, they sort of have to escalate.” “If your child's eating pretty well, why do they have to have that last bite of meat? Why is it, Two more bites of meat? Why is that a line in the sand?” “When we get down to, One more bite, that's where power struggles start.” “The other thing, if you recall from the sugar episode, is that carbs are fast acting energy, so the glucose hits the bloodstream and you're more likely to get behavioral or mood stuff going on when your child has super rich carbohydrates without the protein or the fat.” “When it comes to treats, I think it's really good - treats should not be associated with any rewards, not like, Oh my god, you had such a great day at school! Let's go get an ice cream.” “I always think it's best to take food out of emotions. I always think dinnertime shouldn’t be struggling.” “One of my big things is to Go To Your Room strategy as opposed to a time out.” “One of our misconceptions as parents is that we can help another human self-regulate, and we really can't. We can hold space for them while they are self-regulating, but we can't help somebody self-regulate.” “You're not shutting down the emotion. It allows your child to run the track of whatever they’re on. And so one of the things I'm finding in current parenting is an eagerness to fix any high emotion and distract the child away from it, which is okay sometimes, but we're not allowing the child their full experience of the emotions.” “As the typical tantrum is starting to arc up, there's a window of opportunity where you can distract.” “You have to take shit to the outer boundaries to know where the inner boundary is… Remember that all these meltdowns - I know they suck, I know they're inconvenient, but they're also important to your child’s development and they have to stretch their emotions.” Links: Jamie’s Homepage - http://www.jamieglowacki.com/ Oh Crap! Potty Training – https://www.amazon.com/Crap-Potty-Training-Everything-Parenting-ebook/dp/B00V3L8YSU Oh Crap! I Have A Toddler - https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Oh-Crap!-I-Have-a-Toddler/Jamie-Glowacki/Oh-Crap-Parenting/9781982109738 Jamie’s Patreon Page: https://www.patreon.com/join/jamieglowacki?