Arts
Episode 13 Welcome to episode 13 of NJ warm mug of phantom poetry If you're new to the podcast I'm NJ Saroff also known as the phantom poet on SoundCloud This podcast is best enjoyed with a cup of tea this week we've had this huge outpouring pandemic of coronavirus I did not run any poems about coronavirus but I have written poems about being sick not physically sick because that topic is always just weird for me I hate being physically sick but mentally sick is what I wanted to talk about specifically depression and PTSD while my anxiety makes me very sick I decided that I would kind of extend this topic over two ways cuz there's just so many poems and I'll talk more about my anxiety next week today's poems are anxiety arrose, how is your day, mirror conversations and depression feel like, And the poem of the week Is the loneliest sweet potato by Sara benaim and butterfly the gnarled by Amy king Anxiety arose trembling hands fight frail weakness of my body my knees crumble as I shiver into a puddle of nervesmy brain is lying with the unfocused loud energy of racing thoughts that can't be silenced I tried to sit but can't try to stand still but it won't constant motion fills my limbs spiking my heart rate into a frenzy is shiki smile creeps upon my mouth trying to hide my violent hyperventilating I have forgotten how to breathe I do not know how to stop I am having a panic attack and all I wanted to do is let go of the world and get out of my head and flee my body How was your day How's your day she asked from across the table I took a breathe in to remind myself I had to be stable it's been an uneventful day a Lazy day wishing to fade away to lay in bed, not talk instead to be lonely tired anxious annoying not inspired lack of vivacious you see I do not want to do anything today my mind is a black hole of a mess the stars that used to be glimmering in my eyes have faded I am now just explosions Fireballs asteroids the meteor shower coming in your direction I have nothing to offer today I am no Blue Sky I don't really want to be alive today is one of those days and doing my clothes are the only thing that might bring me some kind of joy I'm exhausted drained I feel like somebody actually dumped a whole trash load on to me like I am the dumpster or maybe I'm the sink drain and you decided today was the day to clog the sink with all of the issues and I don't mean you as in the person across the the table I mean you as in my depression and anxiety, today is not a good day I am an emotional wreck like I feel like I got into a car crash while I was asleep and I woke up unable to move for most of the day and the pain mentally and physically was the worst thing, I've barely eaten I've barely gone near the stove I'm literally just sitting in my coat here talking to some stranger who will only hear half of what I'm saying my underwear from yesterday is still on, my clothes are just barely changed I haven't showered yesterday took a bath so that's a start and I swore I was fine yesterday but right now I am not fine most people by now know this is not unusual they know that there are days when I completely hide myself in the world lock myself in the room, like go into a box where the sun can't find me turn off my phone, play music really loud on my record player read a fucking poetry book and ignore my existence, there are plenty of days when I see many messages me and I say hey I don't feel like talking today there are plenty of days when I make my Facebook status of do not disturb there are plenty of days when I say could you please just shut the fuck up because my brain hurts and it wants to leave my fucking skull so could you please just go I'm sorry I need to be alone and I know this is rude but it's one of those days when I just want to be left alone and I want to go home crawl in my bed and just hide for a few hours and forget that there is life that I have to live, that there are things that I have to do, --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app