Wednesday's Story: Autonomy, "Infidelity", and Reclaiming Female Sexuality

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Sexvangelicals

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When we’ve interviewed women to describe their sexual journeys in the first dozen episodes of Sexvangelicals, many of our guests have talked about how they learned to censor their bodies and navigate the double standards of female sexuality (be sexy, but not too sexy, for example), centered around the word “Don’t”. The past 50 years has provided more conversation about female sexuality; however, even “progressive fields” (read: sex therapy) have couched descriptions of female sexuality around two flawed assumptions within sociological and sexological research. Dr. Wednesday Martin, author of Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free , identifies these “sacred cows” as (15:00): Women are less sexual than men. Women are “wired” for monogamy in ways that men are not. “We built an entire civilization around the idea that women are less sexual,” Wednesday explains. Dr. Wednesday Martin is a social scientist, storyteller, and #1 NYT bestselling author. For the last 6+ years, she has studied the newest data on female sexuality, with a focus on female non-monogamy across cultures and species. Her book Untrue has been called “revolutionary” by The Atlantic and “indispensable” by Kirkus reviews. Wednesday writes, in her aptly named introduction, “Meet the Adultress”: “Untrue is a book with a point of view—namely that whatever else we might think of them, women who reject monogamy are brave, and their experiences and possible motivations are instructive. Not only because female infidelity is far from uncommon but also because the fact of it and our reactions to it are useful metrics of female autonomy, and the price women continue to pay for seizing privileges that have historically belonged to men.” Wednesday talks with Julia and Jeremiah about her interdisciplinary approach to studying female sexual desire, autonomy, and the practice of nonmonogamy across cultures and species, including: Her personal experience growing up with atheist parents in Grand Rapids, Michigan, a city that boasts the highest number of churches per square mile in the world. Wednesday states, “I grew up believing that I was going to Hell and sex had something to do with it.” (5:00) What made Wednesday the most angry while conducting her research. Wednesday describes that many doctors, even “sex-positive” ones, have little to no understanding of the female erectile network; as a result, many women have experienced significant damage both physically and emotionally, leading Wednesday to assert that this discrepancy is indicative of the ways that our society does not care about female sexual pleasure. (20:00) A word about nomenclature. Wednesday explains why phrases like “cheating”, “infidelity”, and “consensual/ethical nonmonogamy” are problematic, and her preference for using phrases like “disclosed and undisclosed nonmonogamy". Julia and Jeremiah are convinced to change their language when working with clients. (33:00) The trajectory of female sexual desire. Contrary to the cultural zeitgeist, research suggests that monogamy is more difficult on female libido than male libido. Wednesday suggests that accurate research will give women and their partners options to address this unique part of female sexuality, rather than blaming and shaming women for what is a normal part of their experience. (55:00) The bravery of women who explore their sexuality. Wednesday shares, “I wanted to cross over and better understand all the insights of who women are sexually. I wanted to understand in a non-judgmental way.” Also, in one of the funnier moments of our podcast, Wednesday reacts hilariously to the disclosure of our own affair. We are honored that Wednesday sees the telling of our story as an important and brave step for advancing sexual health for women (and all people). (1:06:00). Wednesday summarizes her position: “It is way beyond time that we stopped using loaded terms to describe a simple fact: Nonmonogamy is a normal, healthy part of the repertoire of females of many species, including female humans. It’s very important that we open the door to that conversation.” Check out Wednesday’s website, which includes her other books, professional articles, and two Amazon Original Stories, and her fantastic Instagram page. An enormous thanks to Wednesday for taking the time to share her story and wisdom with us. Let’s heal together!