“I will be happy when I have the cash and the new man.  Let’s also add in the new career, new wardrobe and the flash car.” Is this you? You are highly charged, reactive and swing like a pendulum according to the outside triggers. This is a tough way to live life and a lot of us live like this.  Safety, security and worth is something outside of yourself.  So great is our thirst to be seen, validated, and approved of it that sets us up for living unauthentically and in a false way. Would you like to do it differently? Communication is the key to a quality healthy relationship. 7 Questions for Improving Communication Here are 7 questions to determine your readiness and willingness to improve and start a different way of communicating and relating in your relationship. Am I assuming based on my experiences?

Empowered Marriage

Two Million Dollars and a New Partner

In times of fear, change and uncertainty we need comfort and closeness. We do not want to be alone. The impact on mental/emotional health is damaging and can create insecurity, poor self-image, unhappiness, depression, reduced energy and mental fatigue. The mental illness rebounds will resonate for years to come. If couples accept the reality of what there is and focus on building. Lockdown is a wonderful opportunity to build a great foundation for their relationship. Communication Connection Commitment Fun Growth Trust I’m going to give 7 tips on how to help improve relationships if you have found this year has negatively impacted yours.

Is Lockdown a shutdown in your relationship?

Here are four questions that I received recently that many of you may be thinking or have thought about at some point. Questions regarding: The difficult choice of divorce when you realise the marriage is over. Who you will be on the other side of divorce, adjusting to the inevitable changes? Having sex to please your partner, even when you don’t feel like it. And that feeling of distance and disconnection when children enter the relationship and become the priority. I will discuss reframing your thoughts and beliefs, facing the changes in your life, standing up for yourself and lasting past the honeymoon stage a couple needs an emotional and mental connection. Tune in for a series of ideas to move the rut and stagnation in you and your relationship and much, much more.

Questions And Answers

Couples often become co-dependent because each person cannot recognize their own worth without feeling cared for and/or needed by the other. In other words, co-dependency is caused by an underlying sense of self-rejection and self-abandonment. Are you feeling empty and unfulfilled and need sex and approval regularly? Are you feeling like a martyr, sacrificing yourself and overly busy? Making your partner responsible for your feelings; that is, you make it, so your unhappiness is tied to your partner's actions instead of taking responsibility yourself for how you feel is co-dependency. Perhaps you are tuned in to your partner's feelings but tend to ignore your own feelings or often don't even know how you feel. Co-dependency is a relationship pattern that focuses on others at the expense of yourself. It relies on external validation. Seeking approval from others, seldom from yourself. It is common for co-dependent people to be people pleasers. Find out what you need to do to begin addressing this very common relationship problem.

The mistakes you don't know you are making

A couple’s ability to repair their conflict is so important, not in their ability to avoid it. Communication is the most crucial tool in any relationship especially when there is conflict. How do you communicate? We can communicate in 4 different ways, find out what you do…… Successful conflict resolution sets aside the regrettable incident when it’s worked through and leaves it in the past. On the other hand, repair may be unsuccessful, in which case it may amplify the problem and continue to be the source of negativity and resentment into the future. See what my top 5 tips are to aim for in your relationship to deepen your understanding and how you connect as a couple particularly with conflict.

How to love after conflict

To sacrifice your identity, your wants, your purpose and your needs for the sake of the marriage is common, particularly for women.  The universal sign of being wanted, settled, and loved is marriage.  The longer the better, 15 years, 25 years, and 30 years.  The cultural programming, the measure of worth lies in the other, like marriage and not from deep within yourself. “I’ve been married 27 years!” It’s like a badge of honour and the longer the time the better.  However, no one knows what’s going on inside the marriage. Many marriages are not working, communication and intimacy have broken down. Women ask, Who am I, now without my child needing me?  People are consumed by fear and unworthiness. Many of us have been suppressed for a long time and stay in marriages that died years ago. Find out my 4 reasons people stay in marriages that finished years ago.

The Shocking truth about marriage

Have you lost your mojo and you are unmotivated? Have you lost your identity and what inspires you? This is affecting the quality of your marriage and the connection. A common situation I see, and the ending of a marriage is sometimes not the answer.  Each person is responsible for their own happiness and living on purpose is an important part of this. When you experience joy you are more likely to get in touch with your purpose. This is a podcast filled with questions. The quality of questions will encourage you to think and imagine.  Here’s a taster: What are the things you would do even if you didn't get paid for it? What do other people say you're really good at, or that you should do professionally, or do more of? What is the one thing you want to experience or accomplish before you die? If you had all the money in the world, how would you spend your time? What would your perfect day look like? Describe every detail. I encourage you to take the time to investigate your purpose, your marriage will reap the rewards.

How to find your purpose without ending your marriage

You’re not being heard, validated, perhaps you feel invisible and not important, and you feel resentment. These feelings begin to multiply and if they haven't been dealt with at the time resentment begins to build.  Feelings under resentment can include anger, sadness, doubt, grief and many more emotions. Getting to a place where you can learn to let go of the feelings and the resentment and instead feel gratitude, peacefulness and compassion is the pathway to an empowered marriage. I have a simple self-empowering exercise that helps you process what you are feeling at the time so it doesn’t build up. Choosing to let go of resentment in your marriage is a choice. It sets you free to live in the present with peacefulness and calmness.

Get rid of that resentment once and for all

You have lost interest in sex with your partner, you're just not feeling it.  Digging a little deeper for women, it’s the body confidence that has disappeared since the children have sucked you dry, pardon the pun. Let’s get your sexy happening so you feel deserving of love to give yourself and receive from your partner. The first place to start is how to love your body:  You have to love yourself, feel turned on, tuned in and turned on.  “What happens is you teach your brain to notice how beautiful your body already is, which helps to immunize you against all the critical messages that tell you your body is supposed to be different,” You will begin to feel different. Find out the simple ways to improve your relationship with your body. If you want to love your body… listen to it, be consciously grateful for it, appreciate others’ bodies, move it, touch it, and spoil it. This may then lead to you loving your partner loving you, but it begins with you first.

How to feel sexy and deserving of love

Many of us live busy, stressful lives. Instead of a power struggle over who’s the most stressed, being able to destress together is a great tool to have. The talking stick is the communication tool that ensures a code of conduct of respect. You can just listen.  There’s no need to think about what you’re going to say because you’re not going to be able to speak until you get the talking stick. You get to wait your turn.  Too often we want to talk over those who are speaking.  We don’t want to let others get a turn we just want to spew our opinion. A talking stick can slow down the conversation.  The conversation is not just talking it’s also thinking and listening.  Women tend to be more sensitive to advice-giving. Men are more hardwired to fix or “deal with” the problem. The talking stick will have many benefits to help with this. Learn how to bring in a talking stick and how often you would like to bring this into your relationship regularly?

Best communication tool for a power struggle

Are you friends, not intimate partners? Perhaps best friends but here is no physical or sexual connection? The longer you leave it, the harder it is to recover from. It’s not going to get easier by putting your troubles on the backburner. It’s about facing them head-on and looking at what you can do to bring back the desire and passion you once had in your relationship. Identify your needs: Identifying what makes you feel like having sex is important. Men can be easily aroused where women’s desire is more gradual. This includes a connection to their sexuality and a slowing down, relaxed, no to-do list and an emotional connection to their partner. (Very difficult if you have children however after the baby zone jump back into your relationship otherwise your sex life’s don’t recover) Here are 8 suggestions to keep the passion alive before it’s too late...

Keeping your relationship turned on

It is important that you can recognise when time out is needed in your marriage. Your breathing has gotten faster, your voice is louder, and your tone has changed. You may have started to feel frustrated and angry. Rather than speaking assertively, you tend to change to aggression and criticism. Rather than listening to understand, your partner can ignore, belittle you and argue back. The fight and flight response has been triggered. This is when a time-out is especially needed, as hurtful things can easily be said and done in these moments. For many people, they are in persistent arousal of fight and flight and get triggered easily.  There are the 5 Steps for time out which is important to have in your tool bag. As a couple, it's extremely helpful to have a discussion about this and what you will do in the future. Discuss the advantages of time out. What worries you about time out? Take turns to talk about how you want to do the time out and what would stop you from taking time out.

Take time out to stop a toxic marriage

As a masked person, you adjust yourself depending on who you’re talking to. You wear different masks for different people. You act according to how people receive you because it is too painful to risk not getting love. Often, we have learned, and we have adopted various behavioural strategies designed to get approval and love for what you need. It can begin in childhood, continuing into adulthood. These strategies become like roles that you play or masks or personality types that you act out, whether conscious or unconscious. You can't be honest in a relationship because you're acting or wearing a mask. Some examples of a mask can be a pleaser, martyr, victim or bragger. When you are acting those out or you are being that character, you cannot be honest about what you want in a relationship or what you think in a conversation or what truly brings you joy. There are many masks we hide behind with the roles we play out. It’s crucial to heal the wounded self and come out of hiding.  With this, you can live in your empowered marriage authentically, creating more connection, closeness, and passion.

Are you in hiding and what's your mask

Here are the most common problems I see in my counselling sessions.  The longer you leave these issues unexplored the harder it is to find a resolution. Sexual issues Different views about money Lack of common goals Feeling misunderstood by partner Difficulty in openly expressing feelings and thoughts. Difficulty in expressing love and affection. Different interests Different parenting views Power struggles Begin with reflecting on why your marriage is not working: Be honest and speak truthfully as to why the marriage isn’t working. Use I statements, have turns in sharing, talking, and listening, regularly. To start thinking about the changes that you can begin making is a great place to start.  Just creating space to look at this is a positive start.

My Marriage isn't Working

Warning signs your marriage and relationship are in trouble can be slow and gradual and one day you realize you are not happy. When you get married you anticipate that you get married for life and no mention of divorce.  If you ignore the warning signs and hope that communication in your relationship will magically improve you are dreaming. There is a distinct slow change in relationships so it’s important to address this as soon as possible. There are 4 Stages to loss of love and passion. Resistance Resentment Rejection Repression Learn what these are and make your relationship a priority. Effective communication is crucial. I give you ways to begin changing this. Left and it’s difficult to have a connecting loving relationship.

The 4 Warning Signs

Join the unique Helen Harrison from Power of Change Counselling for genuine and open life conversations about relationships, love and marriage.