Miscellaneous
Episode 11: BoundariesBoundaries are lines, fences, that exist between where we start and where we stop.They help us clarify: What part is mine, and what part is yoursWhat I am responsible for, and what I am not responsible forWhat I can change and what I can’t changeWhat is in my control and what is out of my control.It involves giving ourselves permission to make requests and to say no.It involves stopping any attempts to manage other peoples feelings, perceptions and behaviorsIt is letting go of attempts to control the outcome.We are honoring our needs.Unhealthy Boundaries-Boundaries that are set to influence other peoples behaviors are not boundariesHealthy Boundaries-Boundaries that are set in response to peoples behaviors in effort to honor our needs, support our safety, to care for ourselves, what is in our best needs and others, is a boundary.Real simple, if you can’t play nice with me, you can’t play with meIf you can’t be safe in my home, you can’t be in my homeIf you don’t honor our agreement, I will no longer make contract agreements with youIf you don’t provide the expected service, I will no longer utilize that serviceIf you don’t return what you borrow, I will no longer lend to you.Healthy Boundaries are my responsibility not theirs: We release people from the job of tuning in to our needs, from anticipating our needs…Examples: How could you? Why would you do that? If you really loved me you would…..Instead, You now assign the job of tuning into your needs, anticipating your needs and caring for them.People Pleasing (saying ‘yes’ to your ‘no’s,’ tolerating intolerable things in effort to please others)Being a People Pleaser leads to resentment, relationship fatigue, ineffective interpersonal skills and ultimately conflict in the relationship that may end in a relationship breakup (with friends, family and partners).If you say yes to too many things, you will be fatigued and end up resenting all that you have done. For example, If you say yes, to doing 5 things in a day, you will end up being angry, resentful….Now, you take care of your needs, you anticipate them. So you say, “I would love to do that, but I am unable to this weekend, can we do that next weekend?”RESENTMENTResentment is a sign that your boundaries have been broken, but by you. You didn’t honor your own needs. You may have:Tolerated intolerable thingsAllowed someone to not reciprocate, Allowed yourself to do all the work and let others get away with not doing it. To change this, you ask for what you need, you may hold people accountable to follow through. What that means is you give them a deadline, if they don’t honor that deadline you will go somewhere else for the service, if it’s your children you will give a consequence. If you would like to learn more about Boundaries and Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills please sign up for my Master Courses at https://mailchi.mp/cdcc160fffdb/drshawnmasterful-livingwww.drshawnhorn.com