The Hoff and Joan Collins find love and trouble in a plot to steal all her stuff. Can Curt Taylor find a way to save her career, her belongings, his own life and stop Kojak from further living in up in Club Feb? You tell us - cause we couldn't be bothered to pay attention. The Cartier Affair is an absolutely solid movie - if you are stacking it against other made for TV movies from the 80's. And then Lonesome Dove came out and TV was changed forever. For the purpose of this podcast/blog - The Cartier Affair is a massive waste of time. There's just nothing to show up for. The plot isn't fun but it's concise. The acting is competent but no standouts. The action "exists" and that's about the best I can say for it. It's just buttered toast that is perfectly toasted. It's still just buttered toast. So yes this review is short. That's because there's just nothing to call attention to. I guess if you want to see a TV movie from the 80s that doesn't suck. Go for it. However, if you are wanting to use your 90 minutes wisely - watch one of the really bad TV movies ie The Peanut Butter Solution. You can skip this one.

Stinker Madness - The Bad Movie Podcast

The Cartier Affair - As good as Grape Nuts

Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone return with a few cast surprises and a completely different tone of movie than the first one. Give this one two tries at least. You might love it more if you see it again. Yes, we know. This isn't near as silly and bonkers as the first one. Yes we know that they recycled pieces from the first one, namely the music and a few shots. Yes we know that the city of gold reveal is pretty unimpressive. BUT.... There is something strange going on here. And it all comes down to James Earl Jones. Despite the good chemistry between Chamberlain and Stone in the first one, here they have GREAT chemistry and that's due to the immense presence and professionalism that is JEJ. His presence just amplifies everyone around him and he fits in perfectly this film. He's also a serious badass. In fact, at one point JEJ lifts a guy over his head and throws him. Like to see you do that, DiCaprio! What we have found is that when we watched this the first time we all said, "Yeah it's not as good as the first one." But something strange happened upon second viewing - we might like it more than the first one. There's some really good stuff here bumpered by some bonkers in the middle and the end. Is it a "good" movie? HELL NO. It is a stinker for sure, but carries the same tone and pacing as a "good" movie plus the exceptional cast work so well together that we can't help but love it.

Allan Quartermain and the Lost City of Gold - It's---ran out of room

This week on the show we expose (giggle) the penis in Teen Wolf, we reveal a VERY big announcement, reviews of Bloodshot and the entire Karate Kid series, one of Jackie's most sober Spookie, Clauzy gives us some Nonsensical November picks and Sando takes on photographers.

Coronasode 15 - The Beast of Teen Wolf

Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone team up in arguably the best/worst knockoff in film history and arguably Cannon Pictures most fun and most accessible project. Hashtag shenanigans to come. Campy, cheesy, corny, and whatever C words you can come up (no not that one) fit here. While clearly being an attempt to ride on the financial coattails of Indy, King Solomon's Mines departs greatly in tone. Its more of a Errol Flynn knockoff than anything with Harrison Ford in it. Sure, there is no swashbuckling, but there's an endless parade of "adventure shenanigans", overly ridiculous villains, and constant damsel in distress scenarios with Sharon Stone's Jesse Houston. Yet, it still maintains a high-level of Cannon ineptitude with bananas set-pieces, terrible rear-projection (think Megaforce), poorly thought-out plot and character motivations and one after the other one-liners. I mean if you wanted The Delta Force mashed up with Batman: The Movie with a cheesy layer on top of Robin Hood, you've found your movie. This is hall of fame level stuff here guys and highly rewatchable. Make sure to watch or revisit.

King Solomon's Mine - Adventure for Hire

Despite it's own best attempts to keep it down, like its terrible VHS cover and misguided title, this western with vampires is an absolute must-do and instant classic. Can we finally have peace with the bloodsuckers? So the premise here is that vampires have been sent into hiding and chose a small town in the west called Purgatory to sit out the years in relatively quiet peace built by Count Mardulak (David Carradine). They've built their own factory to produce a blood substitute so that they don't have to murder anymore and keep their numbers manageable. That's all going well until the Mayor or guy in charge of staffing (?) Ethan Jefferson (John Ireland) hatches a plan to take over the town and return to the old bloodsucking days. Add in a visit from Van Helsing's descendent (Bruce Campbell) and a family of four with a history to the CEO of Vampire Science Co and you've got a volatile situation brewing. Most times when you have a premise and a vision for a film such as this, you end up with complete failure. The jokes are groan-inducing, the plot gets loose with its own setup, the pacing and the tone shifts from scene to scene and someone (usually a Cameron Mitchell simulacrum or Coolio) botches their entire performance leaving the rest of the cast rolling their eyes at their colleague. None of that happens here. The cast chemistry is tight; it's clear they all had a great time making this. The actors are let loose upon us with no reins. Bruce Campbell is as "Brucey" as he gets outside of his Ash roles. David Carradine is allowed to be both creepy and charming at the same time. M. Emmet Walsh (the lovable Mort) is a show stealer and relative unknowns Morgan Brittany and Deborah Foreman work in tandem with the heavyweights seamlessly. Usually you need someone like Steven Sorderbergh to rangle this many egos and have it work, but director Anthony Hickox manages to get it done somehow. It's camp is at a 10 but never gets stale or too much. The jokes are hilarious. The action is bananas. The effects are super-cheesy and wonderful. Most importantly, it keeps the gas pedal mashed to the floor for it's run length and never lets off the brakes. I would change not a hair on its wonderfully shaped head and know that this deserves to be a staple in any cult movie collection.

Sundown: You Better Take Care

It's a road trip movie with a cast of psychopaths through zombie infested forests, cannibalistic tribal villages, eclectic owners of mansions, and kittens who live in grandma's tummy. Rough to view in places and absolutely hilarious in others. Viewer beware - this is advanced class stuff. This movie comes with two major warnings: if you're burned out on zombies this one ain't gonna bring you back if you have eaten food in the last few days, prepare to vomit it in your lap Because Bruno Mattei is who he is, he's stolen a ton of footage from other films and sources to fill in the time to get to 90 minutes. There's plenty of shots of critters and birds being critters and birds. Ok, instead of fades and wipes you transition with birds and critters, ok. Well here, he's managed to stick with that plan but he get his hands on some documentary footage about cannibals and tribes that do icky stuff with corpses and then crams WAY too much past the shock level and goes into the vom-zone. Some viewers will need to leave the room or see their analyst mid-movie. Getting past it's primary flaw, there's a TON of fun here starting with the zombies. These are likely the most inept zombies ever. Zombies are inherently inept to begin with hence the "just walk past them joke" in modern pop-culture. However, not only are these zombos incredibly slow moving, they appear to forget that they only have one goal - the taste of sweet sweet people brains - and mostly care about getting teased about being zombies. If you find yourself surrounded by these shamblers, just make fun of them and dance around. Even if their teeth are already touching your skin, they'll just get sad and forget their entire idiom. Absolutely insane. Sad or not, there's almost a good movie here. Following a team of elite super-SWATs as they become mentally and physically exhausted and suffering from PTSD while still in the TS part would have been something truly special. Instead this was forgot about as Bruno just wants to be Bruno. We love him for it and instead we get one of the most off the mark zombie movie ever. Just be ready to hit the fast-forward button when they reach the village.

Hell of the Living Dead - Hold on to your lunch!

It's Evil Dead part III (only in Italy) and has absolutely nothing to do with it. It also has nothing to do with Hoff being Hoff nor Linda Blair being Linda Blair. Nor does it have to do with a plot that makes any sense. Nor does it have to do with being enjoyable. Witchery (or La Casa 4 in Italy - thus the sequel to Evil Dead) is the baffling tale of a fallen actress whom lives in an island hotel and becomes a witch at some point and then attempts to perform a ritual to either close the gates to Hell or summon Satan to provide the seed for the anti-Christ. It's really impossible to tell what the hell (or not hell) is going on here. You've then got Hoff and Blair running around in the hotel trying to piece together what's going on while avoiding death and trying to escape. That's all fine. The problem with the film is how it is presented. You've got what reads like a stinker masterpiece on paper but sadly everything takes way to long. The pacing is like betting on a racehorse that is a sure bet and then the gates open and it just walks along the racetrack. You're screaming at the movie, "Get out there and run, you nag!" The pacing isn't even because the film is trying to build suspense and psychological horror. It's really like "hey we paid for this set and makeup - lets milk the hell out of it". So you've got poor pacing and a plot that you can't figure out all to the backdrop of mumble acting while setting it to trapped on an island boring business. Sadly, Witchery is milk toast. You can skip it.

Witchery - Evil Dead 4?

Most will see this as a Monkey's Paw retell but it's really and truly just a recut of Teen Witch but without all the singing and dancing and then they made it so much crappier...crappier than Teen Witch. Yup. Some movies are prime for knocking off, right? See the endless list of Jaws and Conan movies from late 70s and 80s. See any Roger Corman movie post-Star Wars. Sure, you won't work very hard on it and make just a few bucks but hey, that's easy money.  So why in the hell does someone say let's mash up the tone of Final Destination 72 with the story line of an 80's movie with a cult status only with fans of bad movie podcasts? I mean who the hell are they kidding? This is just Teen Witch. One of the damn wishes Claire makes is literally "I want to be the most popular girl!" And of course, at the same point in the film, she gets it all taken away from her and has a feeling of desperation for her life without her magical powers. I mean, WTF? Teen Witch?!?! Who the hell asked for that? Or were you just that lazy?  "Well I gotta rip of something since I'm clearly not capable of writing my own story so I'll rip off a movie that no one remembers except for a handful of people that only like terrible movies." GTH. Past that, you've got the clear influence of the Final Destination series. The deaths that are paid for the "blood price" of the monkey's paw, I mean wish box, are overly elaborate with many red herrings in the Rube Goldberg style death sequences. Sadly, while the FD manner of this is frequently fun the ones in Wish Upon leave much to be desired with only the death of Sherilynn Fenn coming within the ballpark of sadistic fun that we hoped for. Wish Upon is a true turd that doesn't have anything of redemption that makes it a do on our end. Avoid.

Wish Upon - Hope you like Teen Witch

A NATO team of the least qualified sea-men (giggle) take the Beatle's submarine down to the depths of the sea and find some icky monsters, hungry starfish and love. Of course they do. So some might call the Rift a Leviathan and Deep Star Six knockoff, but we see this as much more of an Aliens knockoff, which becomes its fatal flaw. The plot is just so familiar and could take place in space just as easily as it does it under the sea. You've got the expedition into tunnels with an unknown monster patrol ahead. You've got the "military wants the monster for biological warfare" yadda, yadda. You've got the ship breaking down due to sabotage, yadda yadda. It gets tedious just watching Aliens again. Yet, the effects are a blast with much gore and goop. The monsters are unbelievably inappropriate including the star(fish) of the show. Legs come off, heads get sploded, and Ray Wise gets a face full of slime by the hands of R. Lee Ermey and Jack Scalia's hair explodes throughout the whole movie. It's not anything special, but The Rift is still a do from us.

The Rift - Literally in an octopus' garden

Two cops find love in each other's egos, while attempting to clear their names from a villainous plot to take over the world's salted caramel industry. Stallone and Russell team up for one of the raddest buddy cop dumb-dumb rollercoaster. It's shenanigans.   This episode originally aired in January of 2017.

Tango & Cash - Stinker Madness Rerun

An old villain from Mitch's past comes back to enact revenge by.... having him get married to his one true love? With a cast of Baywatchers this size, and a plot as dumb as it is, this has got to be one wild ride, right? Well.... Sato (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa) comes back from season 2 of the Baywatch TV series, to get revenge against Mitch and Hobie for getting him arrested. That's all fine and good. The issue lies in how he decides to get it. He gets his girlfriend to have Face-Off style surgery to look just like former show member and off/on again Mitch love interest, Stephanie Holden. Then she must seduce Mitch, bone-down with him repeatedly, get him to propose and then get him to agree to have the wedding on a volcano island so that Sato can put his friends in James Bond style death traps and let Mitch save them. Lots of moving parts in this diabolical-ness. While Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding is VERY Baywatchesque - it's just too much like a 2 hour TV Episode and not enough like a movie. Yes it has the tone and pace of an episode from the height and stinker quality of the peak of Baywatch. Yes it's the greatest cast in the history of the show. Yes its a great close to the show after the horrendously uninteresting Baywatch Hawaii. But this is a major missed opportunity for the team. We needed a lot more "movie" in it. Car chases, stuntmen on fire, exploding choppers, various stink-eyes given and much more karate fights. Even if they'd gone with just generic film tropes and did nothing imaginative here, Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding could have gone down as a cult classic. But what it is can only really appeal to people who love the show and at this point, those people are few and far between. It's a sad way to end.

Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding - worst revenge plan ever

This week we dive into the Le Petit Huey/Starlight candy debate, a welcome to Patreon supporter Clauzy and his watch recommendations, Sam gives Jackie "the hook" and then takes on soap (again?), reviews of Phantasm II & III, Journey 2, Return to Oz, the final Tales of the Baywatch, and El Chupacabra. Check out Teen Samurai's YouTube channel for some rad music based on your favorite stinkers: Teen Samurai

Coronasode 14 - Will they ever end?

A flashback to 2016 when we were all so much less wildfired. It's a movie that we all gave a "do" on and an special Sam choice about obsession, music, and of course, karate. You'll enjoy this rerun if you missed it the first time, so enjoy!

The Last Dragon - Stinker Madness Rerun

Nic Cage goes on a deep quest to prevent his own hiring decision from ruining his plans to get super-rich. Along the way he confuses us with poorly written treasure clues, crazy eyebrows, word-association and flaunting Jerry Bruckheimer's watch. National Treasure is arguably the most "blockbuster" movie ever made. It's filled with EVERY trick in the book for film-making that puts the butts in the movie seats. It's more crap that's ever been put in one burrito. The problem is that every single one of these tricks is as safe and risk free as can be. So yes, it's filled with stuff, but no is it anything you haven't seen 1000 times in other movies.  So likely, you've already seen this as it was a massive success and right in the sweet box for DVD, so you might be thinking of a revisit. I say thee NAY...tional Treasure 2. You're just not going to garner anything new on a repeat view unless you saw this when you were 9 and thought it was the best movie ever and want to have another helping of disappointment as an adult. So yes, it's still fun, but it's just barely fun enough for us to give a recommendation but only for first-time viewers and if you've got nothing else going on.

National Treasure - The Pipe is Mightier than the Sword

A team of undeclared researchers go on a dig in the middle of the desert only to discover a secret tunnel that leads to America's greatest secret. But if they'd only gone through the IKEA, they could have saved a bunch of time.Truly bad film's greatest secret itself. Templar Nation is the true underappreciated and under served bad movie in the bad movie genre. While it should be on the same pedestals as The Room, Birdemic, and Fateful Findings, it sadly sits on Amazon Prime Video, buried in the midst of Asylum-like movies waiting for someone to please just take a chance on it. Sure, it doesn't have the behind-the-scenes "charisma" that say Tommy or Neil have, but the horrendously terrible job that Joseph James does to portray himself as a real-life LARPer stands as high as a vanity-piece gone awry as the other three. Go through the checklist of needs to rival "the bigs" in bad cinema: atrocious acting, scenery chewing leads, bad action sequences, terrible set design, the idiot-plot, unintelligible line delivery, baffling villainy, and a climax that is setup to have the audience be stunned but is instead in stitches with laughter. This is Hall of Fame stuff here, fam. Ya know, the big three took quite a while to gain some notoriety. And maybe because Templar Nation is from 2013, it hasn't had its chance in the sun yet. So I challenge you, dear listener and reader, make this movie a thing. It truly deserves it.

Templar Nation - needs to be a big deal

Stinker Madness is a bad movie podcast that loves horrible films that might actually be wonderful little gems. Or they could suck. Cult, budget and "bad" movies twice a week.

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Stinker Madness - The Bad Movie Podcast

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