Comedy
Thank You For Calling The Mental Health Hot Line... If you're obsessive/compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you're co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you. If you're a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you're paranoid and delusional, we already know what you want and who you are. Just stay on the line while we trace your call. If you're schizophrenic, please hold, and a little voice will tell you what to press. If you're depressed, it probably doesn't matter what you press, it won't do you any good anyway.- MouthpieceAs for what to do with Osama bin Laden: Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostage’s to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do neither. Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.- Jokes2U 09/01/2008'The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.' --Russell Lynes KentuckyFreud Chicken. It's mother fucking good.SOUR Laffaday FMC versionKentucky Freud Chicken. It's penis licking good...I mean finger How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? - Random EmailOn a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. 'You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me; I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood , and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?' The Englishman said, 'Very sporting of your mother.' Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.'God's last name is not dammit.- Patrick Warburton 'I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency.' - Anonymous 'I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.' - Totie Fields 'My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.' - Jean RostandFMC ContributionsFMC Shirt ideaProgrammers do I.T. for a livingYah the grass maybe greener on the other side but that guys wife is a bitch.If I could back to high school knowing what I know now about the opposite sex I would probably have the nick name of the dehymenizer. I would be walking out after the first week leaving a trail of shattered hearts and twitching legs.The seven deadly sins we all know them but HERE is a fun way to pass a few days try and find those 7 little bastards in the bible. I knew the guy had a drinking problem when he asked the waitress to Irish up his cheerio's.Random FMC Movie sceneFour men jumped out of wagon and ripped off their disguises 3 pulling off mustaches one putting one back on. Sometime Karma is a really kick in the nuts. Other times it's a sucker punch fallowed by a tea bagging. Listen the fuck up ladies if before you meet a really great guy you had a lot of freaky one night stands and all that good stuff, DO NOT TAKE IT SLOW WITH HIM you owe it too him to be twice as wild and freaky as you were with Chet that drummer that you fucked while in the back seat of his touring van. AND if your not going to take this advice for fuck sakes don't tell the guy “hey I blew this one guy in a movie theater cause I was boarded” if you’re not going to blow the guy your with, if you have thoughts of being open and honest about your past don't bother just kick the guy in the nuts that would be a lot less pain full and don't forget to mention you've been with guys way WAY bigger, always a great way to let your man know his not a man at all.PunGay orgy = something that comes to blows. When you use a gift certificate and the person at the cash says ok you have 5.48 left on the card say FUCK YOU GIVE ME MY CHANGE then they'll say well we don't give change. Now here is the retort tell you what if I were to tell you to keep this as a tip you would find a way to give yourself that fucking change.I knew it was going to be a crazy night when we got back to her place and her bed had turn buckles. I always vote for the green party and i will for a long, long time and for one reason because the rest of you are too stupid to vote for the candidate that will do the best thing for all of us. And when I say the rest of you let me be clear I am talking to YOU.HPV vaccineIt's so stupid that some people think this will lead to more sex like just after the girls get these shots there stripping down and getting busy. Now I think I missed something isn't this drug suppose to prevent cancer? Now I’ve read a lot about sex heard a lot about sex talked a lot about sex and had the pleasure a few times myself, but never have I heard that sex causes cancer.I love when people tell stories especially when they have some kind of messageHere is one my dad used to tell me.Jim saved his money and gave it some to charity..Bob spent spent spent.Jim was run over by a prison truck and Bob married a porn star who’s fatherowner a Ferrari dealership.