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Hi how are you all today? Hope things are going well? What…..you want jokes? Is that all I am to you……..something for your amusement. I have feelings too you know……what if I don’t want to tell any today? What would you do then? Well fortunately for you I know my place…..and that’s trying week after week to make whatever it is your eating or drinking right now come out your nose. SO toss you quarters up on the table and watch this monkey go.EnjoyFMCJoan: “You know, my ex never came right out and criticized my cooking. He would just make snide remarks.”Mary: “Like what?”Joan: “He'd look at his plate and ask, "Was the dog not hungry?" “Source: Jokes2U 03/31/2008These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.''Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.''If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.''If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.''Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.''You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?''Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?''Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.''The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?''Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.''Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.''In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC..''How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?''No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.''I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'AND THE WINNER IS....'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here..'Source: Random Email…The husband had just finished the book "Man of the House". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a tasty dessert afterward. Then, after dinner and dessert, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director.""Tradition is what you get when you don't have the time or the money to do it right."-Kurt Herbert Adler (1905-1988)These are a few posts on the penny-arcade forum under the thread called strange and embarrassing.There have been about 3 times that I've found myself in the Giggle Loop with my wife. It usually starts with her going in for the passionate kiss, and me finding myself laughing on the inside- for no reason. Then, the whole "glasses on top of glasses" image pops into my head, and I start shaking. She breaks off the hotness, and glares at me- and then I just lose it.It usually ends with her saying "god damn it" and walking off.That happened to me once, but I kept managing to get it under control, at which point she would try to kiss me again. Of course, this would cause me to laugh uncontrollably once again. It went on for at least 5 minutes before she finally walked away in disgust. Sigh.When I first started dating my ex-wife, Saturday Night Live was on while we were having fun and Kevin Spacey was host and was doing an impression of Christopher Walken as Han Solo. I was lucky I ever got to have sex with her again.She's. Fast enough. For you. Old MAN...Remember that XKCD comic with the Power Rangers song from last Monday? Well, 2 days before that, a friend of mine was having sexy time with his girlfriend, when the Imperial March starts playing on her computer. Apparently it kind of killed the mood for a bit.My response was "Dude, you should have just started saying in a really deep voice, "Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? I AM your daddy!"orbusted out some "We got death stars!"This post was followed by the following"I can't find the exhaust port! I can't find the exhaust port!!!!!!!!!!!!!""But it's two meters wide!"That would get you one hell of a slap.That's no moon...I'm trying to work in a Jek Porkins reference, but I can't quite pull it out."Staaaay on target, staaaay on target!"Loosen up!"Negative! Negative! It didn't go in! It just impacted on the surface!"It came from... Behind.... yyyeaaarghh....The moral of these stories is that I need to learn to suppress memories much more efficiently.-GIM Penny Arcade ForumKagera wrote:“You know what's strange? Having people from your childhood telling you what an asshole you were when you thought you were the nice guy. Friends even. And then going through all your memories and finding out they were right, you were a douche. Then realizing you probably still are a douche.Aquabat wrote: Yeah, when I was 4 my penis was my second favourite toy. My first was my Thunder Punch He-man. The best moments of my childhood was when I combined both of those.Stilist wrote: You punched your own wang?Aquabat wrote: Thunder punchedAnd here is the post that I will be submitting to that threadThe summer before this incident I was working in the restaurant of this local amusement park and my job consisted of taking out the garbage and sweeping up. The garbage bags were pretty heavy and I got pretty good at throwing full garbage bags (20 pounds) up into the compactor (about 7 feet up and 10 feet away) after the quick realization that 7 day old fast food and 30 degree heat gave the area around it a smell that was on the high end of the funk-o-meter.Now on with the story it's a year later and I'm cleaning the bathrooms - a much better job than cleaning up food (better pay, better hours and better boss) - and it's the men’s room so far less mess. Anyway this day one of the guys says he has to leave early and asks for me to close up the bathrooms for him. I say ok but make arrangements for him to close for me a night later. So I'm alone and I'm on the last of the 4 bathrooms, the one that is closest to the punch clock but usually the worst to clean up because it's closest to the water park. Everything’s done and I just need to change the garbage in the change room. Now the change room has a baby change table so the change room garbage always has 5 or 10 dirty diapers making it far heavier then the others (the other generally just have a few pieces of food but are full of wet paper towel) which was why I left it for last. So, I change it out and it being a long weekend, it is a bit fuller than normal - it's about 15 pounds of dead weight in a very small package. Now the last thing I need to do is walk the garbage bag full of baby poo over to the gate, open the gate, drop the garbage bag on the ground anywhere on the other side and punch out. I don't even have to stop, there is no way a normal person can screw this up.But I'm a teenager, and I’m male, and most of all I’m ME. Normal is what I swore I would be after I did this. So I'm walking towards the gate (10 feet high) and my brain says to me"I bet we could get this bag over the gate.""NO!” I say back to my brain."Why not?” says my brain “These bags aren’t any heavier than the ones from last year, and besides you've been working out.""Ok, you’ve got a point," I say."And that fence isn't that high and this thing is double bagged...come on you can do it or have you gone soft, you pussy?”"Yah I can" I think.But if I'm going to do this, if I'm going go through with this stupendous act of bad judgment then by god, I'm going to do it right.So looking around and making sure that no one was in the immediate area I grabbed the bag with both hands and give it a good 720 degree spin around me let go AND…….HELL YA it clears the fence.But I don't hear the expected, satisfying thump of the bag landing on the other side. So running up to the fence I find that my boss is now occupying the space directly under the garbage bag and that is when my body took over and ran my ass the long way around to my car and I took off, swearing the whole time, and trying to figure out what to do from the safety of my parents couch.The next day the guy that I took over for got fired. Turns out that he didn't punch out and my boss just assumed that I had forgotten to. And from that day forth I've been trying to be normal. And then this happened…FMCAfter doing my Taxes this weekend I had this ideaAre taxes a form of charitable giving?Well it could be let me check off a few things about taxes.First, they go to a large, non profit organization (a.k.a. “The Government).As we all know, the government doesn't make money - those who run it do - but the actual government not so much, very much like a charity.Those who run the biggest charities have huge salaries much like the government.Most of our taxes goes towards a lot of causes and also office work and facilities - a lot like charities.Money goes to flood victims, feeding the poor, education, health care, infrastructure of all of this, and I'm willing to bet, a few other countries that need it. Much like other charities.You can give more taxes to the charity known as “The Government” by buying booze (I think 50% of alcohol's price is hidden tax) and lottery tickets. Now if only we could get the government to fund the right things – we could all go on a drinking bender and wake with the hangover from hell knowing that somewhere, underprivileged children were getting better education because of it. - FMC